What is Enmeshment?
Enmeshment is a word used in psychotherapy and psychology to describe families that lack boundaries, where individuals in the family have emotional bonds that are intertwined and lack separation (Porrey, 2023). Parents and children in enmeshed relationships have a hard time asserting emotional independence, which can lead to the child having a difficult time understanding that their thoughts and feelings are separate from their parents’ (Porrey 2023). Ultimately, this can lead them to lack a sense of identity and to have a hard time making decisions on their own later in life (Porrey, 2023).
Some examples of enmeshment are…
Having a hard time making simple decisions without the help of a parent
Not being able to decide on and take up ones’ own interests, and instead taking up the interests of friends
Relying on a child as an emotional support when going through a divorce
Someone taking it personally when a family member moves away
A mom communicating with her sons’ girlfriend on his behalf (Porrey, 2023).
People in enmeshed relationships are likely to have mental health problems related to their enmeshed relationship patterns. For example, those in enmeshed relationships have been observed to have higher levels of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and substance abuse (Hann-Morrison, 2012).
How does Enmeshment Work?
In a typical family, separate and functional family subsystems can be observed – for example, a spousal subsystem, a parent-child subsystem, and systems between siblings (Bacon & Conway, 2023). Each subsystem is characterized by boundaries which define each individuals’ role in the system, and which offer rules about what is considered appropriate emotional behaviour (Bacon & Conway, 2023). However, in enmeshed families, the boundaries between these systems are diffuse (Bacon & Conway, 2023). For example, a parent might believe their child is responsible for the parents’ emotional responses, blurring the lines of separateness between the parent and child. This might lead both the parent and child to engage in inappropriate emotional behaviour – for example, the child may start feeling guilty when the parent is sad or mad, and may become unaware of their own emotional needs. When family relationships are enmeshed in such a way, nobody wins, and each person continues to rely on the others for emotional stability and a sense of self.
The Generational Nature of Enmeshment
Furthermore, enmeshment is often a generational issue. For example, when someone who grew up in an enmeshed relationship with their parent enters into a new, spousal relationship, they may have a hard time maintaining a functional degree of emotional separateness from their partner. When these two new partners have children, the enmeshed parents may engage in enmeshed relationships with their child, and furthermore, may model an enmeshed spousal relationship to the child (Porrey, 2023; Han-Morrison, 2012). This, in turn, may have profound effects on childhood development, and lead the child to depend on others in the future to emotionally regulate, make decisions, and feel like “themselves” (Bacon & Conway, 2023). So, how do we break the cycle?
Breaking the Enmeshment Cycle
One might think that the way to break the cycle of enmeshment is to totally emotionally disengage with family members. However, disengagement can also be dysfunctional, as too-rigid boundaries between family members can create problems of their own (Han-Morrison, 2012). Indeed, disengagement and enmeshment can be thought of as two opposing extremes on a spectrum, with healthy relationship strategies landing somewhere in the middle.
Moreover, one prominent author from the 1980’s believed that there are two opposing life forces present in any individual which promote evolutionary survival throughout the lifespan – one which supports the emergence of individuality, and one which supports emotional connection (Kerr, 1988 as cited in Han-Morrison, 2012). Therefore, for healthy emotional functioning, a balance must be struck between these two forces which allows someone to both rely on others when appropriate, while also maintaining their own autonomy.
When parenting, achieving such a balance involves offering children the opportunity to explore at will and express their feelings and ideas openly, while at the same time offering a secure base which children can return to when in need of reassurance (Hann-Morrison, 2012). In the context of relationships, a healthy balance usually involves a degree of togetherness and a degree of flexibility when handling challenges and change (Porrey, 2023). With both parties in the relationship feeling secure, autonomous, and emotionally free, and with each aware of their own needs for spontaneity and limits, new possibilities for vulnerable connection arise and relationships get stronger (Bacon & Conway, 2023).
Strategies You Can Use Today
If you find yourself in a relationship where…
You struggle to balance time together and time apart
One or both parties has a hard time emotionally regulating without the other person
One or both parties experience relationship anxiety
One or both parties struggle to make decisions without the input of the other
Change is poorly handled
It is difficult to celebrate individual differences
…You may be experiencing enmeshment (Porrey, 2023). It is possible you may benefit from the following strategies (Porrey, 2023):
Boundary Setting: Sometimes, when in an enmeshed relationship, the people we love may manipulate us in order to regain a sense of emotional control. Therefore, setting boundaries can be difficult. The best way to start setting boundaries is to do so slowly and incrementally. Saying no or asserting your opinion in small ways – for example, about what to eat for dinner – can be good practice for making bigger boundaries about life decisions – for example, when deciding where to live or how to parent.
Mindfulness: Becoming mindful of when your boundaries are being violated, or when you are overstepping a boundary, is a first step to breaking the cycle of enmeshment. Becoming aware of how your family system may have played out enmeshment can be an even bigger step on the way to healing. Meeting with a mental health professional through in-person or online psychotherapy may be helpful in uncovering how enmeshment played a part in your childhood.
Schema Therapy: Schema therapy specifically may help you focus on the theme of enmeshment in a variety of ways (Bacon & Conway, 2023). In schema therapy, your psychotherapist may help you to become better attuned to your emotional needs and to express them appropriately (Bacon & Conway, 2023). Ultimately, the goal of schema therapy is to help you become more autonomous, free, and to engage with other people with agency (Bacon & Conway, 2023).
Rebound therapy may be the right fit for you. Speak with a Rebound Total Health mental health practitioner today and learn more about how you can heal from enmeshment and break free of the enmeshment cycle.