Relationships affect every aspect of our life – from our health and mental health, to our daily habits, to our emotional experiences. A Harvard study recently found that someone’s quality of interpersonal relationships is correlated with their long-term health – including their risk for cognitive decline, diabetes, and other chronic conditions (Buttin, 2023; Gostick, 2023). Specifically, marital satisfaction – that is, having a supportive relationship with a spouse or partner – has a profound effect on stress and long-term health. So, how do we create meaningful and connected interpersonal relationships, especially with our significant other?
Andreas and Andreas (2023), two mental health trainers, suggest that the first thing we think about when we consider the quality of our relationship is what the other person is doing. For example, we might find ourselves saying, “If only they would do this, then I would be able to do that, and the relationship would be healed,” (Andreas & Andreas, 2023). However, considering that each of us is unlikely to have the effect of changing our partners’ behaviours, feelings, and responses, it is more likely that focusing on what oneself can change is a more effective approach when showing up in a relationship (Andreas & Andreas, 2023). The good news is that, by focusing on the self, we ensure we are focusing on something that we actually have the power to change (Andreas & Andreas, 2023)!
Perhaps the most overlooked factor in the quality of our relationships is our own reactivity (Andreas & Andreas, 2023). Benson (n.d.) from The Gottman Institute talks about how when in conflict with a partner, we may often portray a mask of anger, resentment, bitterness, frustration, or meanness – and that these emotions are often reactive, and get in the way of communication about more responsive emotions, like hurt or sadness. Indeed, the focus of many interpersonal therapies is to improve communication between a pair of people in a way that allows these deeper emotions to be expressed, received, validated, and nurtured by the other (Benson, n.d.). However, these interpersonal abilities also often require individual work on the behalf of each partner. What tools are available for individuals who are hoping to master their own reactivity and instead become more emotionally vulnerable and responsive to the people they relate to everyday?
There are many tools we can use to decrease our reactivity and ultimately to be okay, regardless of what other people are doing. One evidence-based technique you can use with a trained therapist is Core Transformation (Andreas & Andreas, 1994; Andreas & Andreas, 2023). Core Transformation is an extremely effective and efficient tool that therapists can use with clients to help clients shift unwanted or limiting behaviours, feelings, and responses (Andreas & Andreas, 1994). When Core Transformation is used with a Registered Psychotherapist, Registered Social Worker, or other certified mental health care practitioner, it can help people change how they think, feel, respond, and behave in different social situations in as little as one session – a very promising recent finding compared with other therapies whose effects were shown after 10-23 sessions (Andreas & Andreas, 2023).
Core Transformation is a technique based on the theory from Internal Family Systems’ therapy that each of our personalities is made of many different parts – and that each part has a unique positive intention or purpose for the self (Andreas & Andreas, 1994). For example, even when we lash out angrily at a partner, a Core Transformation trained practitioner believes that only a part of us wanted to do so – and that this part may have a positive intention for us, like keeping us safe. By mapping the different parts of ourselves, and by addressing the positive intentions of our parts, we can begin to better understand our reactivity and better yet have an experience that transforms reactivity into more meditated responsiveness in the future.
You may be feeling like it’s time to respond more effectively with the people you love. And addressing our relationship issues – especially by focusing on ourselves and what we can change – is often done more easily with a guide. You can begin to transform your relationships even on your own. Reach out to a Rebound Total Health therapist today.