Our relationship with sex is often shaped by the environment around us – through family, culture, and norms. For many of us, we have stressed the importance of achieving an orgasm. But what if an orgasm wasn’t the goal? An orgasm may not happen every time. What if intimacy and connection with ourselves and others were more important? When we take this perspective, our relationship with sex can change from rigid and stressful to fun and enjoyable! This is not an overnight night change, however. Like any relationship, it takes time, effort, and practice. This can be through great intention with yourself, your relationship, and/or with the support of your therapist. Let’s dive more into what sex can be, including the often-overlooked role of sexual aftercare.
Sexual Beginnings
Different from outercourse, foreplay is meant to lead to intercourse, providing intimacy and increasing excitement. If sex is a sandwich, foreplay is the top slice. It is the intro to a beautiful melody. It is chapter one of your favourite book. Alright, enough cheesy analogies! Foreplay is fun! It includes kissing, communication, and/or touching. Over the years, sex educators have worked hard to make this a more common discussion in relationships. For those with vaginas, foreplay can be incredibly crucial to prepare the body and increasing lubrication. For any gender, it creates connection and builds desire.
Good and Bad Endings
However, sex doesn’t end after intercourse or outercourse. Improving your sex life extends beyond whether you climax (or not). Sex can have quite an abrupt ending! Maybe you’ve had a partner roll over and go to sleep or get up to clean up. Likewise, you or your partner may feel frustrated and not sure how to move past it. Endings are just as important as beginnings. But what does it mean to finish well (yes, therapists can make sex jokes too!) in sex?
An often-overlooked aspect of sexuality and intimacy is the role of aftercare. Aftercare can be attributed to the kink world as it is crucial in debriefing those sexual encounters and ensuring safety through a post-play check-in. However, aftercare can improve any type of sex! Aftercare is an opportunity to check in and debrief your sexual encounter. Sex is an incredibly vulnerable act and even the most sex-positive individuals can struggle with shame. Sexual aftercare provides an opportunity to connect to your body and the person(s) you are having sex with.
Ways to Practice Sexual Aftercare:
There are no rules about what aftercare can look like! Everyone’s needs are unique. What matters is closing your sexual experience well through intimacy and connection. Here are some ideas to practice sexual aftercare:
Cuddling with your partner
Discussing how things went well and giving positive feedback
Showering together or cleaning up each other
Watching a TV show in bed
Pillow talk
Sensual touch
Drinking water or having a snack together
Listening to music
Having a solo sex session? You can try aftercare as well!
Communicating Your Needs
Take time to think about what your own personal sexual aftercare may look like and open the conversation to your partner(s) prior to engaging sexually with them. Describe what you like and state your needs, and then open the conversation up to what your partner(s) would like too. Since not every person is the same, negotiation is normal, and you may need to decide on solo aftercare activities if you can’t agree on mutual ones. For those with PTSD or abuse in their past, these conversations may be especially helpful as it provides agency, collaboration, and time to the ground.
Ready to work on your relationship with sex? Reach out for support from of our therapists for individual or couples counselling today. Affordable and online therapy is waiting for you!