The Give and Take of Perfectionism

A perfectionist strives for flawlessness and success. Perfectionism is the need to be or the need to appear perfect. Like all personality traits, perfectionism has this way of being a double edge-sword when it comes to the way we feel, think, and behave. There are always pros and cons when evaluating perfectionism. On the one hand, it can lead us to be detail-oriented, determined, and successful. On the other hand, it speaks volume to the internal and external expectations we have that often result in feelings of disappointment and self-criticism.

With our understanding of the world, we begin to recognize that nothing is perfect. Perfect is a term we use to identify something that is quantifiable. But honestly, how often do we even rate something as perfect? How realistic is it to strive for perfect in a world where perfect is so unobtainable? The more we reinforce the idea of perfectionism, the more discomfort we experience when things are just not right. Little do we know, this is what life is all about! When we have such a concern with the flawlessness that is ought to occur, we fuel our anxiety.

How does perfectionism operate?

I’m sure you’ve heard of “all or nothing thinking” before. But as a quick recap, all or nothing (or black and white) thinking can produce a pattern that results in 100% or 0% effort. Why start that assignment when you won’t grade well? Why clean my bathroom sink if I can just clean the entire bathroom? Why should I try a small percent of effort when I ought to give it my full effort? The problem is, sometimes our small effort is all we have the capacity for in that moment. This can also result in procrastination because we must do it right. Other thinking traps associated with perfectionism include catastrophizing, probability overestimations, and “should” statements.

The term, “If you’re not gonna do it right, why do it at all?” was often used in my household. Now that my siblings and I are all adults, we have begun to unfold how this core belief has hindered our day-to-day performance not only in the tasks we do, but the thoughts we think! It is these cognitive distortions, or thinking traps, that operate beneath the surface of perfectionism.

Got it. So how do I cope?

It all starts with mindfulness. Try to recognize the all-or-nothing thinking, as it appears. How can we intervene on our perfectionism, when we don’t even know it’s happening? Pay attention to your physical & cognitive cues – what happens physically when you begin to think in the all-or-nothing fashion? What goes on in your mind when you’re striving for perfectionism? Chances are, perfectionism and the all-or-nothing thinking that goes with it is showing up in more places of your life than you’d like to admit. And that’s okay! If we can become curious towards this perfectionism self – bring it closer to you, put it under a microscope and learn about it – we can obtain valuable knowledge before moving forward in altering that way of being. You may find you would like to take some qualities while abandoning others. Everyone is different with their journey in terms of the aspects they discover, and what aspects are serving them well or not.

Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) is a proven form of treatment for perfectionism tendencies. DBT supports the idea that two opposites may coexist. Furthermore, the dichotomy of ideas, values, and beliefs, are what make it possible for this gray area in our black and white way of being. Other tools to help overcome perfectionism include perspective taking, realistic thinking, and self-compassion. Recognition to the self when you have put in the effort, regardless of completion, allows for you to enjoy the journey – not just the destination.

Funny enough, the phrase “Rome wasn’t built in a day” was also used in my house growing up.

Looking to tackle your perfectionism? I’m here to help you on that journey – reach out!

 Meet Melanie, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) and author of this post!