If someone were to listen in to the conversations that play inside your head throughout the day, what would they hear? If you’re anything like me, they might hear the word “should” at least a hundred times a day.
“You should exercise.”
“You should lose some weight.”
“You should stop scrolling Instagram or TikTok for hours and go do something productive.”
“You should do…” and fill in the blank for yourself. There seems to be a never ending list of things we should all be doing.
And if you’re anything like me, the “should” seems heavy, weighted, like there’s some standard that I am somehow not measuring up to when I don’t do the things I “should”. No matter how hard I, or you, or anyone tries, we will inevitably fail to do at least some of the things we feel we should. Maybe we snap at our siblings or kids when they are particularly annoying. Maybe we eat the king sized candy bar even though we swore off junk food this year. Maybe we overspend while online shopping at 3:00 in the morning, again. Maybe we spend three hours scrolling instagram or binging the newest season of Grey’s Anatomy (is that still a thing?) even though we have five projects that need to be worked on. Or, maybe you’ve been struggling to cope with the stresses of work, school, or the reality of an ongoing pandemic and all the things that accompany that, but you feel like you shouldn’t feel so overwhelmed and should instead be able to cope, because, well, “my struggles aren’t so bad.” Maybe you haven’t experienced anything that seems like a ‘significant’ trauma, like loss or abuse–just everyday, ordinary things.
No matter what it was, somehow we failed to do the things we feel we should be doing. And, then come the feelings of guilt and shame; the sense that “I will just never be good enough”; the fear of never measuring up to some invisible standard of worth.
Granted, maybe yelling at our kids isn’t the most productive or helpful way to relate to them. Maybe, as employees and students, we do have responsibilities to uphold and deadlines to meet. Maybe exercise, eating nutritious foods, and avoiding endless scrolling and tv binging are all healthy habits that will contribute to our wellbeing. The issue is not the activities themselves, but the internal pressure and shame created by an overuse of the word “should”.
Often, our “should’s” are deeply rooted in our values. For example, I value hard work and academic excellence, so, when I procrastinate on a term paper and then complete the entire paper in one day, I have failed to live up to my value of academic excellence. I may have worked hard, but I did not do my best, simply because I procrastinated. Therefore, I think “I should not have procrastinated”, which often leads to feelings of shame rooted in my failure to live up to my values.
So what is the solution to the problem of “should”? The answer is not to surrender completely to whatever we want, never holding ourselves to the standards we set based on our values. Rather, the answer is to change our internal narratives, replacing the “should” with something else so we can seek to live into our values without the added pressure of shame.
For example, replace the word “should” with “could” or “will”. Instead of saying “I should eat healthy”, say “I could eat healthy” or “I will eat a healthy breakfast tomorrow”. These phrases carry less weight, removing the shame and self-criticism that accompanies an internal “should” and creating a path for next time.
Alternatively, you could try this short exercise. Write down the words, “Right now, I could…” and fill in the blank with as many options as you can think of: clean the house, start my paper, go for a walk, go to work, take a sick day, eat ice cream, call a friend…the options are endless. Then, look at that list and recognize the many options you have at this moment. You are not trapped by the thing you “should” do, but have an autonomous choice. Then, recognizing the numerous choices you have, say, “Right now, I choose to…”, and choose the activity that most suits your needs and values at the moment. Name that need and value. Using this exercise, you are able to connect your choices to your values, not doing things only because you “should”, but because the choice matches what you value.
Finally, whenever the “should’s” rise up, be kind to yourself. Take a moment to breathe and care for yourself. Show yourself some self-compassion–you can always try again next time!