Isolation & Fear

I think we’re all familiar with the term isolation at this point. The pandemic has had its opportunity to push us into solitude and with that came one of our main fears that many individuals share – fear of abandonment. This fear, primarily driven by criticism and rejection, stems from our understanding that others will leave or abandon us. Why? Well, first and foremost, we are highly social creatures and thrive on helping each other. This fear of abandonment might also be explained from past experiences. Maybe you were rejected in grade school, or you had a romantic partner ghost you, or it could even be as deep as a caregiver leaving you without explanation as a child. No matter the severity, isolation can activate this fear of abandonment and lead us to think, feel, and behave in wild ways!

According to Statistics Canada (2016), persons living alone make up 14% of our country’s population, four million Canadians to be exact. Then, a pandemic was slapped on top of that. Being alone was turned from an option to a requirement. Many of us have had to decrease or cease our contact with others to slow the spread of the virus. The point is – you are not alone in the population of individuals that have felt alone.

When we spend time than not alone, it’s quiet. The lack of noise to distract us from maladaptive thoughts will push them to the forefront. As those negative thoughts work their way around in cycles, this will continue to create – you guessed it – more negative thoughts!

Isolation can look different for everyone. Maybe you feel like you can’t talk to anyone, or that no one will care or understand you, or that this feeling of being isolated will go on forever. Maybe you have had an experience that leads you to suggest that you should be alone. Nonetheless, these are all negative thoughts that are produced through the anxiety cycle. Your anxiety wants you to have these thoughts so it can grow more powerful. It wants to win. You have the power to not let it win.

Woah, this is a pretty dark. See that? How quickly it was to get to that place? Let’s lighten things up a bit.

There are many ways we can decrease this feeling of isolation (even with all the social restrictions we are experiencing). We can call a relative, facetime a friend, go out on a hike with someone. However, there are many ways to decrease this feeling short-term that may result in feeling isolated long term. We all know about the instant gratification of online dating that may help us to avoid this fear of abandonment by falsely feeling desired.

But what if we desired ourselves? What if this isolation could be an opportunity to develop a relationship with the self that we thought was unattainable? Those things we are searching for to feel less alone, can actually come from within. I know, easier said than done.

Here are a couple of helpful tips to get the self party going:

–        Up your self care! Spend time taking care of your mind, body, and soul in ways that are unique to you. The great thing about this is you can specifically tailor your needs without the approval of others present. This could mean taking your skincare routine to the next level, popping in some headphones and dancing to your favourite songs, doing a workout that targets the specific areas in which you want to strengthen, or cuddling up with a good book that challenges you to think or fantasize in a different way. Or perhaps, self-care could be doing the hard work – curbing bad habits, reflecting on problematic behaviours or relationships – yknow, improving yourself.

–        Get outside! I know it’s difficult in the winter, but the fresh air is so important to our health! Even if it’s a quick 5–10-minute walk around the block, the oxygen will help to regulate your nervous system.

–        Take some time to evaluate what you find most important. What are your core values? Write them out in a list and rank them. Then, ask yourself how am I fulfilling these core values in my daily life. How can I increase these practices? We can live in line with our values regardless of the presence of others.

–        Practice gratitude through journaling or mindfulness meditation. Name what you are grateful for. This might even include taking the time to be grateful for the time you have to work on your self-growth, self-love, and self-exploration.

–        Replace your fear and avoidance with curiosity and validation. Name your feelings of isolation. What does this lead you to think or feel? Where do you feel it in your body? How can we release this tension in your body to alleviate the physical sensation? Prioritize and validate your feelings and challenge your fear of abandonment. Where does it stem from and is this still valid evidence in your life today?

Looking for more help navigating fear & isolation? Reach out, I’m happy to help!

Meet Melanie, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) and author of this post!