As humans, it’s only natural to make sacrifices for the things that are important to us or the people we love. But sometimes, we fall into the habit of always putting ourselves and our values last. This often happens at work, when our boss asks us to take on that extra assignment that we don’t have time for. Or it can happen in our personal relationships, with friends who always cancel on us last minute, or family members who talk about things that make you uncomfortable. Identifying and setting healthy boundaries can help us feel better and balanced in these relationships.
Boundaries are a popular topic in individual and family counselling. There are a lot of simple steps that can be taken to put boundaries in place. But first, it’s often helpful to learn about the different areas that boundaries (or a lack of boundaries) are most needed. Often people benefit from physical, emotional, financial, or time-related boundaries. Setting boundaries can help reduce stress and anxiety, while also strengthening relationships. At Rebound Total Health, we offer virtual and in-person individual and family counselling with licensed psychotherapists who specialize in boundaries and boundary setting. Book a free 15-minute consultation today.
Sometimes it’s easy to put our wellbeing on the backburner when it comes to the important relationships in our lives. Creating boundaries is a great way to maintain healthy and balanced relationships with others, while still respecting our own needs.
Where to Place Boundaries
We can place boundaries in any area of our life where personal limits or values are not respected. This could be in family relationships or work relationships. Boundaries can also be physical, emotional, financial, or time-related.
Physical boundaries are about protecting your personal space. They are basically the rules about your personal bubble. This could include the distance you like to have between yourself and others, or whether you like to greet people with a hug, handshake, fist bump or distant wave.
Emotional boundaries are about protecting your internal well-being. These boundaries could be about avoiding topics that make you uncomfortable. They can also relate to knowing your limits and not taking on too many stressors.
Financial boundaries are about being firm in the plans you’ve made about your financial planning. This might include asking to have dinner at home with a friend instead of going out to a restaurant.
Time-related boundaries involve putting restrictions around how you want to spend the hours in your day. It’s giving yourself permission to say “no” to engagements or events that don’t serve you or that you’re too tired for.
Your Boundaries, Your Way
The great thing about boundaries is that you are in control of them. You get to choose what boundaries are valuable for you. But sometimes identifying boundaries can be tricky. How can we set boundaries when we don’t know what we need? How do we know our limits and our dealbreakers?
To figure out what your healthy boundaries are, we need to first take a look at what we value most in our daily lives. A great way to do this is by writing a list.
Example:
If you struggle waking up in the morning and really enjoy a cup of coffee to get your day started, you could set your alarm half an hour early, and take that time to have your coffee. Setting boundaries to make sure you get this time could look like:
Not reading emails or looking at your phone.
Not answering phone calls.
Being clear with family members about when your coffee time is and what it needs to look like (silence, lighting, alone, etc.)
Protecting Relationships
Sometimes the people in our lives may struggle when we start setting boundaries because they aren’t used to them yet. You can still have strong and healthy relationships while maintaining your boundaries. A great way to protect relationships while setting boundaries is to show compassion, understanding, and reassurance to the people in your life. We can both set boundaries and validate the feelings of others.
Sometimes our loved ones may feel offended by your firmness when setting boundaries. This is because they might think your boundaries are about them. Communicating your boundaries by leading with your values is a great way of letting your loved ones know that your boundaries are not about them—but about you and your needs.
Example:
If you want to set boundaries about your coffee time in the morning, you could communicate these boundaries by saying: “I really value some quiet time in the morning, by myself, before I start my day. I am happy to talk with you after, but during this time, I need my space to look like this.”
Boundaries Help Relationships
In the end, healthy boundaries support healthy relationships. By enforcing your own boundaries, you are also encouraging and teaching your loved ones how to create boundaries of their own. Healthy boundaries lower the stress and anxiety of the boundary-holder. Since stress and anxiety can negatively impact relationships, their reduction will have a positive impact on relationships.
Access Mental Health Resources
At Rebound Total Health, we offer psychotherapy to those struggling with boundary setting. We also offer family counselling to further support family mental health struggles. Check out our website to book a free 15-minute consultation with one of our licensed psychotherapists.
More Resources and Exercises:
https://www.coaching-online.org/files/5-Best-Boundaries-Setting-Exercises.pdf
https://optimistminds.com/setting-boundaries-exercises-pdf/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201511/7-tips-create-healthy-boundaries-others