The idea of befriending your critical thoughts must seem so strange but a key learning as a therapist and individual has been that our self-critical thoughts never formed with an intention to harm us, they served a purpose. They formed to protect us. Self-compassion does not just mean being kind to ourselves but also, as strange as it sounds, involves being compassionate and showing acceptance towards the self-critical thoughts and validating them.
For example – “I can’t say NO because that would mean I am a bad person” or “things always go wrong for me!” or “They don’t like me because I think I spoke too much at dinner last night”.
The first example of a critical thought could have probably been formed as defensive measure to protect against the uncomfortable feeling of guilt of perhaps disappointing someone. “Things always go wrong for me” could be a critical thought that formed as a defensive measure to protect against the pain, or a negative feeling caused by an anticipated negative outcome, which in turn may also solve as a block. Such a thought could become a self-fulfilling prophecy and could inadvertently stop one from trying their best at a task at hand. “They don’t like me and never want to see me again because I think I spoke too much at dinner last night” could be a thought that formed to protect against the hurt, embarrassment and shame that usually accompany rejection.
No matter how balanced one may appear. I believe we all have our own self critic, who sometimes can be really amplified and bring with them amplified feelings such as anger, guilt and shame which are directed at the self. While we work towards showing compassion to the world and everyone else, we may inadvertently be putting our own self compassion in the back seat which is not always the best for us, long term.
All the self-critic seeks out is some validation, kindness, and compassion to feel reassured that they too are being looked after and don’t always have to be in a hyper aroused state of fight or flight. Showing compassion to our inner critic is a great way to develop self-compassion and break the cycle of potentially self-destructive thinking.
Through the lens of self-compassion, the examples cited above could be modified as –
Example 1 –“I can’t say NO because that would mean I am a bad person”
Listen to this critical thought, try, and identify where its coming from and what it’s trying to protect you against and bring the self-compassion out to create a more balanced thought.
“I don’t want to disappoint them and I do want to help but if I say yes in this scenario, I know I will resent this person/situation for making me do something I didn’t want to in the future, which is why perhaps saying NO is the better decision in the long run”
Example 2 -“Things always go wrong for me!”
Once again, look within to understand where this thought first formed and how it gained traction, before bringing the self-compassion out to validate and create a more balanced thought.
“Things have gone wrong in the past but there is also evidence that things worked in my favor. Perhaps I can change strategies and try again?”
Example 3 – “They don’t like me and never want to see me again because I think I spoke too much at dinner last night”
Follow the process of observing where this thought is coming from and what it’s trying to protect you against before validating and creating a more balanced thought.
“I have been rejected before so I am worried,
they did not like me, but they have not indicated anything about not enjoying my company, so perhaps they had a great time too and want to hang out again?”
Befriending your critical thoughts could seem incredibly challenging, especially if there is a belief associated with these thoughts being a driving force to push you out of unfavorable circumstances. For example – “I am not good enough” or “I have not achieved enough” which in the moment may be helpful but in the long run may gain traction to leave you feeling burnt out, angry and disappointed in the self, where once again, one may need to look deeper within to understand what actually happened and how things got out of control. As challenging as it may seem at the start, showing compassion towards our own critical thoughts becomes easier and stronger with time, the same way our body does when we go to gym. Rest assured, self-compassion is a key learning I apply in my daily life and find it helps in me being my best self.
Meet author of this post and Registered Psychotherapist, Qualifying, Rina Reddy!