You may have heard of the four attachment styles before: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. If you are reading this, you may be wondering what attachment means, and why knowing what your attachment style is important in the first place!
What is attachment?
Attachment refers to the emotional bond that is developed between an infant and their caregiver(s). John Bowlby, a psychologist who developed attachment theory, explained that attachment can be understood as a natural behaviour that helps infants survive. In most cases, an infant’s primary attachment is to their mother. Bowlby believed that poor development or inconsistency within the maternal attachment could lead to emotional, cognitive, and/or social challenges later in life. He believed this occurred because children developed an understanding of themselves, others, and the world during the first five years of life – a concept he called the “internal working model”.
Questions to ask yourself can include:
What was your relationship with your mother growing up?
How responsive was your mother to your needs?
Did you feel you could rely on your mother in childhood? How about now?
How does the relationship with your mother impact your current relationships, if at all?
If you’re feeling triggered by any of these questions, reach out to us at Rebound Total Health for a free consultation – and get started exploring your attachment pattern today!
Attachment Styles
There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Let’s take a moment to understand what these styles look like!
1. Secure Attachment
Securely attached individuals tend to feel comfortable in close relationships. For example, they tend to feel comfortable expressing their feelings and needs. They are also comfortable with some distance in the relationship. If you tend to feel at ease even when you and your partner are apart – chances are you are securely attached! In adult relationships, securely attached people are able to self-regulate, feel that they can trust others, and are capable of seeking support from their partner, while also providing them support.
As a securely attached child, you felt safe, acknowledged, comforted, valued, and free to explore the world. Caregivers of securely attached children tend to be reliable, predictable, and consistent.
2. Anxious Attachment
Anxiously attached people tend to feel insecure and are highly critical of themselves. As a result, they desire constant external validation and reassurance from their partners, yet it typically doesn’t help for long. If you struggle with fear of rejection and/or abandonment, clinginess, or difficulty trusting your partner – it is possible that you have an anxious attachment style. Adults with insecure attachment styles typically have a negative view of themselves and are hypervigilant to signs or signals that may indicate that their partner is losing interest.
As an anxiously attached child, you may have felt that your primary caregiver was inconsistent and unreliable. This may have contributed to the development of clingy behaviour because it was the only way you may have been able to have your needs met. Clinging never left you feeling truly satisfied, though.
3. Avoidant Attachment
Individuals who are avoidantly attached tend to be highly independent, such that they do not feel the need to be reassured by partners. They seem to “have it all” – confidence, self-worth, and strength. However, adults who experience an avoidant attachment style tend to be in surface-level relationships – never truly letting others get close. A recent study suggested that males tend to be more avoidantly attached, whereas females are more anxiously attached, emphasizing the need for psychotherapy for men.
As an avoidantly attached child, you may have had distant caregivers who did not allow for a safe environment to express feelings or needs. You may have noticed your caregivers to be emotionally unavailable themselves, learning to suppress rather than express emotions.
4. Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized adults are typically inconsistent and unpredictable in relationships. If you experience a disorganized attachment style, you may struggle to self-soothe. Trust is often challenging in your adult relationships, and you likely view the world as an unsafe place. If you expect to be rejected, disappointed, and hurt by others – there is a chance you have a disorganized attachment style. Self-sabotage and acting in ways that lead to rejection, disappointment, and hurt are common for those experiencing a disorganized attachment style.
As a disorganized child, you may have felt like nothing worked to get your needs met safely. You may have experienced physical, verbal, or sexual abuse in your childhood. 80% of abused children experience some level of disorganized attachment. Rather than your caregivers being a safe place, you may have been fearful of them.
Now what?
Which attachment style sounds like you? Take this quiz to find out if you’re right! Knowing your attachment style brings awareness to the behaviours that may have been causing you distress in your current relationships. It’s time to take action!
Feeling ready to explore and heal your attachment style? Check out our amazing team of therapists offering virtual individual therapy as well as couples and family therapy. Start your healing journey today and bounce back!